arreik-dyob:

Succotash my Balzac, dipshiitake.

I’ve always coasted through life wearing my heart on my sleeve; vowing to follow my heart, despite the consequences. Feeling every emotion as it runs through my body.

Then along came Spencer freshmen year. The shy, introspective ‘video game nerd’. Coming from two totally different realms of the mind, I never imagined us to be as close as we are (were?).

Here we are, years later. He’s taught me to think, and I hope in return I’ve shown him how to feel.

Monday: Full day of school, then I’m going to try and go to the pool or beach afterwards. It’s my only day off, and I really would like to get some color again.
Tuesday: 8am Jupiter graduation! I’m so excited to see all of my friends on their big day. I might have to be in class from 1:40-2:40, and then I work 4:30-10 at Carmine’s.
Wednesday: 12pm Dwyer graduation! My BEST friend in the entire world is graduating and I seriously cannot wait. She’s been like a sister to me and a daughter to my parents for my entire life. I wish I didn’t have to rush to work again at 4:30, but the only other hostess at Carmine’s is also graduating, and I couldn’t ask her to work on her graduation day.
Thursday: Full day of school, then work 4:30-10.
Friday: Full day of school, then work 4:30-10.
Saturday/Sunday: …Most likely doing another two 12-hour workdays.

Although every single bit and piece of everything I learned in my AP Psychology class has gone right out the window after taking my exam, I do remember something about the different theories of emotions. Cannon-Bard vs James-Lange? I don’t remember which is which. However I do remember the difference between the two theories is that one cognitively labels the emotion, while the other doesn’t. I guess you could say tonight is the first night of the labeling process. I haven’t been able to do so up until this point in life because, well, I didn’t know I was capable of feeling such an emotion. I’m constantly surrounded by people. I’m sociable and outgoing, extroverted and loud. I’m blessed with so many amazing friends, who I know would do just about anything for me.

So why do I feel so damn lonely?

This isn’t a new breakthrough, by any means. I’ve been feeling this way for months, though it’s really not as horrible as it sounds. It’s like a paper cut, invisible at first glance, but still annoying and painful. It stings. This constant pinch goes right down to my core and just lingers there until some unrelated, insignificant event brings my emotions to a boil.

Honestly though, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m happy when I shouldn’t be. I’m sad for no reason. I’m lonely, yet surrounded by people who want nothing more than to make me smile. All in all, I’m okay. I’m more than okay actually. Which is a scary feeling. I’ve realized that I’d actually prefer being hung up on Spencer than being completely over him. Once I move on, I know that I’ve lost him completely. He’ll be nothing more than a memory, which breaks my heart even more than endlessly chasing after him.

I’m multitasking; Texting a friend whilst writing. I just typed out something without even thinking about how true it actually is. “Like I said, he’s my best friend. It sounds dumb, and you’re definitely going to laugh at me, but my heart committed itself to him the very first time we spoke. I’m just waiting for it to let go, or just all together shatter and let me free.” I don’t think I’ve ever composed a more accurate statement. It’s as if my heart and my brain are two separate entities. They’re so conflicted that it’s messing with my emotions and tearing me apart from the inside out.

Ah, who needs therapy when you can write?

Of course I should have expected nothing less than embarrassment when my mom met the guy I like.

- I work with a guy who is honestly just way too sweet to me. I don’t deserve it. We were watching the news earlier this afternoon, and we saw a story about a shark attack. He told me his biggest fear is sharks, and I said mine was the dark. Five hours later when I got off work, he walked me to my car (on the other side of the very scary, dark parking lot). He’s such a good guy with a really big heart. Although he’s older and smokes. And is currently in some trouble with the law. But it’s nothing, I promise.

- Its been a long, long time since I’ve described myself as “sad”. But I am, for some reason. You’d think I’d be used to all these ups and downs with Spencer, but I’m not. Each time we have one of our blow-outs, it feels like the very first time. Over and over and over again. The same thing goes for when things are amazing; It feels like we’re falling in love all over again.

- Tomorrow morning I’m going to talk to Jimmy. I have this strange feeling that he somehow knows how to fix me.